Permission to pause: is this the ultimate problem-solving tool?

Let me tell you about the day I started to wonder if my 10 year old daughter is way cleverer than I am…

She came home from school with that look on her face: clearly, she’d had ‘one of those days’. But when I asked her to tell me what was wrong, her answer was startling:

‘Mummy, I’m not going to tell you because you’ll try to fix it.’

Talk about a mic’ drop moment!

Because, hands up, yes, I’m a fixer.

If you come to me with a problem, whether you’re my child, my friend, or my client, my first instinct is to try and fix whatever it is that’s making you unhappy.

Even when I have a problem of my own, my first instinct is to figure out how to make it all better. To ease the discomfort, to take away the pain. To jump in immediately with an answer, a plan, a strategy.

In fact, we all have that instinct because just as we’re hard-wired to avoid physical pain, our brains are determined to lead us through emotional pain and worry as quickly and efficiently as possible.

We’re inherently solution-focused.

But here’s the thing that my super-smart daughter has managed to figure out already:

Sometimes we have to pause first.

Whether we’re trying to fix someone else’s worries or solve our own problems, there’s tremendous value in simply holding that space for a while.

As a friend, and especially as a parent, that can be hard. Whether your child is clashing with another kid in the playground, or has encountered a problem in the classroom, every instinct you have screams at you to step in on their behalf. You’re desperate to solve the issue for them or to give them step-by-step instructions on what to do next.

However, while you’re clearly motivated by nothing more than pure love, when you barrel in, determined to fix everything by bedtime, you’re not actually doing them any favours. 

Because when you allow your child to sit with a problem, when you help them hold space for it, amazing things happen. 

Maybe they realise that it’s not that big a deal after all. Maybe they realise that the true problem isn’t the thing they first thought it was. Maybe they realise that they’re capable of coming up with their own solution. Maybe they realise that they have the bones of an idea but need your help fleshing it out.

Whatever the outcome, by giving them that opportunity to pause, you allow them to learn all sorts of incredible lessons about their emotions, their values, their resilience, their creativity, and their ability to problem solve.

And our little people need those lessons — they need that emotional growth.

And so do we.

Because, often when we go in search of a quick fix, we may find a solution but we don’t find the BEST solution.

Picture this:

You’ve just had a huge argument with a friend. Naturally you feel icky about it — your stomach is churning, you can’t focus on anything else. Frankly you just want to put the unpleasantness behind you. So you rush out and buy them some flowers to smooth things over and push the whole event from your mind.

Yes, you’ve ‘solved the problem’ and your brain is feeling far less stressed. But have you actually solved the problem or have you just pushed it further down the road?

If you’d sat with the feeling for a while it would have been uncomfortable. Painful even. But what might you have learned? That your argument was a sign that you’ve been under too much stress and you’re flying off the handle for no reason? That your friend tends to take you for granted and you’re increasingly unwilling to put up with it? That you’re too sensitive when it comes to certain topics? 

Again, giving yourself that permission to pause can reveal all sorts of vital information — about you, about your current mental or emotional health, about your relationships, about your values, or about your boundaries. 

All valuable insights that contribute to your own emotional growth, resilience, creativity, and ability to problem solve.

When problems arise, be sure to give your child, your partner, your friend, or yourself all the love and support they need. Give them a shoulder to cry on and maybe even your superb tea-making skills! 

But above all, give them (and yourself) permission to pause. Because, more often than not, the answer they need lies just on the other side of that pause.