There’s a couple I know — let’s call them Bonnie and Clyde — that never buy each other Valentine’s Day gifts. 

They don’t go out for a fancy dinner. They don’t book a romantic getaway. They don’t even bother exchanging cards.

And I know what you may be thinking: they’ll never last.

Yet, they’re one of the strongest, most loving, and most romantic couples I know. They’ve been happily married for yonks.

So what gives? How do they keep the romance alive while ignoring the ‘most romantic day of the year’?

It’s all down to their love language.

You see, each and every one of us has our own love language. Whether we’re relating to our romantic partners, our children, our parents, or our friends, we all have our preferred ways of giving and receiving love and affection.

And for Bonnie and Clyde, presents and grand gestures just don’t mean that much. 

Quality time on the other hand? To them, that’s the very definition of romance. So they’ll never miss the opportunity to take a long walk together in the countryside. And they’re always keen to try new hobbies in the hopes of finding something they can do together. 

Quality time, rather than gift giving is their (shared) love language.

Yours, however, might be something else entirely…

The most common love languages.

According to Dr Gary Chapman, author of The Five Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate, these are the love languages to be aware of:

• Words of affirmation — things like paying compliments, telling people how much you appreciate them, and a good old-fashioned, ‘I love you’.
• Acts of service — showing up for people in ways that mean something to them, whether that’s bringing them breakfast in bed, booking their favourite restaurant for their birthday celebration, putting the bins out, or making sure the fridge is stocked with their favourite snacks.
• Giving and receiving gifts — taking the time to pick out something they’ll love, spending time making the wrapping look gorgeous, or buying them something special ‘just because’.
• Quality time — spending time with your friend or loved one, whether that means booking a trip for you both, carving out time in your busy schedule to watch a movie together, or going on adventures.
• Physical touch — yup, we’re talking sex. But this also covers myriad other ways of showing affection through touch: hand holding, a foot rub, a big ol’ bear hug, playing with their hair, a comforting arm around their shoulders…

The chances are you’ve already started to identify both your own love language and that of the people closest to you. You might even have an inkling of why you lean towards one particular love language. Perhaps, as a child, your parents were super busy with work and showered you with expensive presents as a way of making it up to you so now giving and receiving gifts is how you prefer to show up for the people in your life.

But here’s what you really need to know about love languages.

As far as I’m concerned, no one love language is better or more worthy than another.

If nothing says, ‘I love you’, like a shiny gift box wrapped in a bow, there’s nothing inherently wrong with that. But, if your other half, your friend, or your child doesn’t share your love language…that’s when problems arise.

What to do about conflicting love languages.

It’s probably happened to every one of us at some point; we’ve felt disappointed — or even unloved — when someone we care about hasn’t shown up for us in the way we’d like.

For example, if your love language is all about exciting gifts in little blue boxes and your friend or partner has a tendency to forget birthdays and anniversaries, you’re going to feel short-changed. Because birthdays, special occasions, and gifts are a big deal to you, you might interpret their behaviour as, ‘they just don’t care about me as much as I care about them’ when really they cherish your relationship more than ever. They’re just not that into special occasions. And giving and receiving gifts isn’t their love language.

So how do you deal with these love language discrepancies in a way that leaves everyone feeling loved and cherished? 

First up, tell people what you need.

If gifts are important to you, if you’d like to introduce more touch, hugging, or even sex into your relationship, if you’d like to spend more quality time with your partner, friend, or child, don’t just drop hints — tell them outright that that’s what you’d like.

Recognise what your loved one already does for you.

Maybe your partner puts the bins out every week because they know you hate doing it or they bring you your favourite choccy bar when they know you’ve had a stressful day. Or maybe your friend didn’t send you a card for your birthday but she always carves out time in her busy schedule to spend time with you, is the first person to compliment you when you’ve had your hair done, or always sends you memes she knows you’d love. 

Whether their love language centres on words of affirmation or acts of service, they’re showing you how much they care in the way that makes most sense to them. 

Shifting your focus from the things they didn’t/don’t do and viewing their behaviour through the lens of THEIR love language, you often realise just how much you mean to them. And just how often they tell you, in one way or another, that they love you.

Make sure you’re giving your loved ones what THEY need.

If it’s an adult in your life, don’t be afraid to come straight out and talk to them about their love language and what they need from you. 

If it’s your child — or you don’t feel comfortable having the ‘love language chat’— use their behaviour to decipher what their love language might be. If your kid hugs you every chance they can get, touch is clearly important to them. So give extra hugs, offer to brush their hair, or curl up on the sofa together under a cosy blanket while you watch a movie. If they’re a little older (and mortally embarrassed by the thought of hugs in public!) they might still appreciate the odd shoulder squeeze or pat on the back.

If they’re skulking in the hall every time you open the bathroom door or they try to prolong the bedtime routine by giving you a blow-by-blow account of every single book they’ve ever read (my daughter’s favourite trick!), they’re telling you their love language is all about quality time. So build that quality time into your day by reading together for 10 minutes or doing a puzzle with them, or take more of an interest in the things they enjoy. Yes, even Minecraft…

What is love?

It seems to me that love doesn’t always lie in the grand gestures, in sweeping declarations of love, or Hollywood-style romance.  And it’s not something you’ll necessarily find in a Valentine’s card. 

In fact, sometimes the greatest acts of love lie in the everyday things, the morning cup of tea, the emptied dishwasher, the unexpected text message. And one of the greatest acts of love is almost certainly in the willingness to make compromises in the way we show up for the people we care about.